Why most people start writing their memoir in the wrong place
Once I decided I was going to write a book about my life as a political spouse, I sat down at my computer and made a list of potential chapters. I hadn’t yet figured out the theme of my book that would tie each chapter of poignant stories over more than 2 decades. I made a list, but didn’t have a direction. I envisioned my unrealized memoir as a “how to” for political spouses.
So I started with dispensing advice. I soon realized that what to wear, how to navigate social media and in-person social situations, as well as personal relationships and raising children, was as individual as the perennial, perpetual politician I was married to. Before I even recognized the self-doubt that initially, then often occasionally, plagues every aspiring author, I stopped myself.
Who was I to tell other political spouses, mostly women who were thrust into these unplanned roles, how to dress and behave?
Once I moved past that mistake that I perceived would be the wrong path for my book, I struggled with how to start. I considered beginning when I met my husband, but that wasn’t relevant to the political life I was living. I’d later learn from agent rejections that my early drafts focused too much on him and not enough on me.
No one appreciates a rejection, but when it’s delivered with feedback it can seem like a gift. In addition to learning how to focus more on me and my journey, they also told me my platform wasn’t large enough. Agents sell books to publishers who understandably want to make money. Six years ago when I was querying, this is what I was told.
Today, authors have even more opportunities and resources to pursue publishing that don’t require a million followers on social media, or an immediately recognizable last name.
While I wrote those early chapters, I knew I still hadn’t found my starting point, but I kept writing. Momentum increased. I was getting words on the page. My early manuscript was taking shape. I knew the perfect, or at least most appropriate beginning, would reveal itself to me.
Soon, my chapters looked less like the resume I’d started with (think boring lists of events I’d endured) and more like a revelation. I was still teaching those political spouses, my future readers, but my stories were becoming revelations that other readers would also relate to.
When I started focusing on my journey, my transformation, my lived experiences, I answered the question every aspiring memoirist grapples with: What am I really trying to say?”
The answer didn’t show up in the timeline. It showed up in a memory. It was my pivotal memory, a simple conversation, a bottle of wine, and one question. That was the moment that truly began this unplanned public life that I was writing about. It wasn’t childhood, my husband’s marriage proposal, or even my wedding day. It was something else that was the catalyst to invite my reader into my world. The scene starts around our small kitchen table, something any reader can relate to. That was my invitation to my reader, the beginning of my book, and how I started to tell my story.
If you’re struggling to start your memoir, know that you’re not alone. I share my story because it resonates with students. Every author must walk their own path to find the beginning that cracks open their story. Here are some strategies that work, but first you must identify what is holding you back from beginning your memoir.
The #1 Reason Writers Never Start
When I talk to aspiring authors, most of them tell me the same thing:
“I want to write my story, but I don’t know where to start.”
What they’re really describing is overwhelm.
Because the moment you decide to write a memoir, you’re staring down decades of memories, emotions, and experiences. It feels like trying to fit your entire life into one book because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do.
But you’re not writing your life story. You’re writing a story from your life.
The difference is everything.
Once you release the pressure to include everything, you can focus on what actually matters, which is the transformation. Your book will answer the questions of how did what you’re writing change you and why does it matter to the reader.
Why Chronological Order Kills Creativity
Writing in chronological order is comforting, but it’s also a trap. It can make sense to start this way as you process your thoughts and organize themes and chapters. However, too much chronology turns your story into a timeline instead of a journey.
Memoir isn’t about what happened. It’s about what changed.
Readers don’t need every detail of your childhood; they need to understand the moment that cracked you open, the one that shaped who you are now. That’s where connection happens. That’s what gives your story power.
How to Find Your True Beginning
So how do you know where your memoir should begin?
Ask yourself, What moment split my life into “before” and “after”?
That’s your doorway. The turning point where everything shifted. It might not be dramatic. Like the scene at the kitchen table I described in my memoir, Accidental First Lady, it can be sublte and quiet, but also signficiant.
That moment is the heartbeat of your story. Start there.
What Happened When I Found My Defining Moment
Once I stopped trying to write in order, everything changed.
I didn’t worry about perfect sentences or structure. I just wrote from the moments that mattered most. While my memoir progresses chronologically through my life during the 22 years that my husband was in politics, the backbone is the stories I chose to tell from those 22 years. I carefully selected moments that served as educational, transformative, and inspirational. Each one was tied to the one that preceded it, and it illustrated my progression from naive political spouses to a wife, mother, friend, community leader, and employee who learned how to craft an identity apart from her public figure husband.
When you start with your defining moment, you write to understand your experiences and what they meant to you so that you can share that with your reader. That’s when your memoir starts to sing.
Your Next Step
If you’ve been spinning your wheels trying to find where your memoir begins, I created something that will help: the Memoir Blueprint: A Simple Guide to Outlining Your Life Story.
It walks you through simple steps to uncover your defining moments, shape your structure, and move from “someday” to started. You can download it free right here: Memoir Blueprint Outline.
Your story doesn’t begin at the beginning. It begins at the moment that changed everything. Start there, and let the rest unfold.